• Kathleen Van Engen

Self Apology.

Matt Hoffman

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for the times I’ve doubted you. The times I didn’t defend you or protect you. I’m sorry for the times I didn’t let you grieve, and instead I pushed you to achieve, over-extend, to rush your healing when you weren’t ready.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry that I didn’t listen when you kept saying that you didn’t need me to “fix it”, you just needed me to acknowledge the moment with you, the season, that growing up and growing through is sometimes just really hard to do. For what it’s worth, I’m proud of you. I’m so proud of how you keep growing. You really have grown.

And I’m sorry.

I’m sorry I don’t tell you that enough. That you’re strong and brave and how well you’ve learned to settle into yourself. You can sit with you a lot longer than you used to. My dearest friend, you really have grown. And I know. I know that you often still feel like a child facing a world too big and too unknown and I know it scares you that you still don’t feel ready to do it alone.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry that you still feel like alone is a bad thing rather than a brave thing. I hope soon you won’t need me to remind you that you aren’t bad company. You aren’t too much or too little or too anything. You’re fresh air and your heart is kind and it’s amazing that in so many ways it’s still so innocent despite all that has sought to harden it. Your heart, it’s my very favourite part of you.

So that’s all for now. I just wanted you to know that I see you. I know we’ve got a long way to go but I also know you’re a joy to walk with. To grow with. To get to know. We’re going to be okay you and I. Stick with me. And rest easy dear friend, we have so much worthwhile ahead.


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